I've just realised that I've been made to feel guilty about anything I want. Its too much trouble, or its too expensive, or its too unattainable. I have to not cry. I have to be strong. I have to take care of myself. I have to take care of others by being a strong friend, a strong sister, a strong daughter. I have to keep my feelings a secret. I have to be secretive. I have to hide how I feel. I have to be a rock, a lamppost, a desk, a mat, a pillow, a chair. I am the eternal inanimate object. I am the plank. I am the reasonable, the practical. I am whatever emotion you want me to feel- anything but sorrow and sadness. Anything but extreme joy. Nothing extreme for me. Just a medium, mediocre, average feeling type person. Too much feeling- its not a good thing. I've been told to reach for the attainable. I do the recommended.
I don't go out, because it would require me getting a drop, or asking my parents to pick me up and drop me. If it costs money, I would rather say no. If it takes time, that cuts into someone else's time, its ok, I'll pass.
If you need money, I'd empty my wallet. I'd walk you to where you need to go, I'd call and make sure you are home safe. I'd take away your suffering if it was in my power. I'd inspire you as much as I could. I'd take the weight off your shoulders'. I'd give you a bed for the night, I'd feed you. I'd help you buy something you couldn't otherwise afford. I'd congratulate you. I'd throw you a party, invite all the people you love, play the songs I know you like. I'd buy you the wine you prefer.
I'd let the bus take me instead.
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